(2) XT Portable Class A, B, and C Fire Extinguisher
Description: (click show to see it)
Ladies and gentlemen, please step back from the performance area. The exhibition you are about to witness is extremely dangerous, and requires intensive training, specialized equipment, and nerves of steel. This feat should not be attempted by anyone with a low pain tolerance, unfinished business, outstanding debts or family members who would be sad to hear he burned alive.
Observe! As I load my specially treated jean jacket with an assortment of firecrackers my cousin bought in Ohio! I think some of these are not even legal here. Once they are all in place, I will signal my assistant Carlie to light the fuses. The signal will be that I move my arm, like—
Carlie, this is not for real, this is just to show what the signal is going to be. So don’t light them yet, I’m just going to do a practice signal.
The signal will be that I move my arm, like this!
HEY, CARLIE, WHAT —Jeeze, I said it was practice! You almost lit me! Careful with that.
Ladies and gentlemen, once the fuses are lit, I will pedal down this plank toward the ramp, leap off my bike in mid-air, and jump through the flaming hula hoop at the very instant these firecrackers go off. Have your cameras ready!
If all goes as planned, I will land safely in the kiddie pool before the fireworks have time to cause any serious damage.
In the event that I should miss the kiddie pool, assistants are standing by with XT portable fire extinguishers, and are under orders to douse me immediately. These extinguishers use non-hazardous dry chemicals, so they’re supposed to be “environmentally friendly.” I don’t know about that, but they are probably better for the environment than letting my polyester pants and plastic shoulder pads burn in a melty heap on the lawn, so.
Ladies and gentlemen, I hope today’s exhibition of derring-do will help raise awareness about the need for greater investments in science and math education programs for the children of this country. Remember: Kids who know anything about physics and chemistry are kids who won’t attempt a stunt like this one! I’ll probably suffer multiple broken bones and scarring over most of my torso. I blame the teachers.
Please be advised that spectators may be exposed to the horrifying stench of my burning flesh, as well as blood-curdling screams of pain. This spectacle may not be appropriate for younger children, especially those prone to nightmares, in which I cannot guarantee not to reappear, writhing in agony and crying desperately that the pain is unbearable, and begging someone to end it by killing me.
As with all the stunts I have undertaken, there are naysayers here today. People who don’t believe I have “what it takes” to pull this feat off. People who call me “reckless,” “stupid,” and “a future Darwin Award winner.” People who don’t let their kids play over at my house, and who’ve put money on the over/under for my expiration date. To them, I only say: If your imagination is so completely untethered to reality that you can dream it, who’s to say you can’t achieve it?
Ready the extinguishers? Check! Cinch the flame-retardant jean jacket! Stow the kickstand! Is that my Mom calling? No matter! Too late! Light the fuses! WE ARE GO!
Warranty: None, it's a fire extinguisher
Extinguishes small type A fire (Ordinary combustibles)
Extinguishes small type B fire (Flammable liquids)
Extinguishes small type C fire (Electrical equipment)
Easy to Use, one handed operation
Good until 2011
Child safety cap
Quick response, specially designed nozzle ensures fast spray time for maximum efficiency, approximately 5 to 8 seconds
There are people who've never seen the test pattern. Can you believe
that? Grown men who've never seen the glory of the digital sunset that
used to happen after Letterman. Grown women who've never heard the BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP
of nothingness as it scolds them for wanting more. Grown children
who've never crept to the living room in the dark to try and see the
mythical "beginning of our broadcast day."
like oxygen now. Always there, even when it's bad, and only missing in
a crisis. But there was a time when there was only a certain amount of
television for each person, and when it ran out, that was that. Today's
shirt is a reminder that, once upon a time, television was a social
event, not a solitary lifestyle.
Wear this shirt:
to show the world you're ready for bed. Maybe hum the Star Spangled
Banner just to drive the point home. That's right, we're old too.
Don't wear this shirt:
if you grew up with cable tv and you never read the writeups. Because
when you start talking about how it represents cyber-shamanism or some
crap like that you're gonna get schooled by your much smarter friend
who reads us every day. And we'll laugh, because we like your friend
better than we like you.
This shirt tells the world: "There used to be no such thing as infomercials."
We call this color: Fade To Black
Design Placement: Centered
3X - S: 13.85" x 15.72" WXL - WS: 10.39" x 11.79" K12 - K4: 8.5" x 9.65"
“The most obvious question with respect to X Winery and proprietor Reed Renaudin,” says some guy named Robert Parker in some sort of newsletter called The Wine Advocate, “is how can these wines be this good at these prices?”
Indeed, Mr. Parker, whoever you are – that IS the question. Let us posit an answer. It may shock you. It may disturb you. It may leave you feeling deeply, profoundly indifferent. But it must be considered:
Yes, we contend that the presence of a mutated super-grape chromosome accounts for these so-called X-Wines. And that fact, while unproven, should send a chill through the heart of every winemaker in America. Because soon, if these mutant wines have their way, nobody will be able to get away with selling swill just because it’s cheap.
How else to explain the X Winery 2006 Paso Robles Petite Sirah? Can its superlative aromas of blackberry, cedar, and smoke really be explained by the Templeton Gap’s cool nights and shale soils? Does anyone believe that its dense, complex berry, coffee, and pepper flavors are mere natural phenomenon? In the course of routine testing, we fired a gun at it and the bullets just bounced off. One sip of this super-muscular, steel-plated Petite Sirah proves it’s something beyond typical wine.
The same could be said of the X Winery 2007 Red X Winemaker’s Blend. A product of genetic material from all over the North Coast, this bold but harmonious blend displays powers of wild cherry, cinnamon toast, cashew, and cranberry that defy ordinary explanation, along with soft and supple tannins the likes of which have never before been seen by most scientists. Why? Because most scientists don’t make all that much money, and they’re not used to being able to afford wines this good. If Red X was a person, it would probably shoot red beams of pure flavor out of its eyes.
And so we turn to the final member of this fantastic three, the X Winery 2005 Amicus Napa Valley Special Blend. Rich. Concentrated. Intense. Velvety. Most of all, dark. Dark cherry and dark chocolate on the nose. Those same dark flavors on the palate. A long finish that lingers like some sort of dark phoenix. The darkness beckons us, tempts us, whispers dark promises into our noses. And it’ll only get more powerful with age.
We admit that our argument has a few holes, such as the complete absence of objective evidence. But consider this: if it was mortally possible to produce such excellent wines at such low prices, why wouldn’t more people be doing it? Either Reed Renaudin (if that is his real name) has discovered a method for mutating X Winery’s grapes to give them supernatural powers over the human palate, or other wineries charge too much for wine that’s not that good. Which is easier for YOU to believe?
2005 Amicus Napa Valley Special Blend
Vineyard: 98% Napa Valley Spring Mountain, 2% Lake County
Blend: 51% Cabernet Sauvignon, 28% Merlot, 11% Petit Verdot,10% Cabernet Franc
Aging Info: 30 months, 100% French Oak, 50% new
TA: 6.62 g/L
RS: <1 g/L
Free SO2 at bottling: 30 ppm
Cases produced: 400
2006 Paso Robles Petite Sirah
Vineyard: Templeton Gap area
Blend: 85% Petite Sirah,15% Syrah
Aging: 18 months in 50% French Oak, 50% American Oak & 20% New Oak
TA: 5.93 g/L
RS: < 1 g/L
Production: 224 cases
Released: September 2008
2007 Red X Winemaker’s Blend
Vineyard: 76% Lake County, 15% Napa County, and 9% Sonoma County
Blend: 60% Syrah, 21% Cabernet Sauvignon, 19% Zinfandel
Aging: 16 months in 19% new French oak, 8% new American oak, 73% neutral oak
TA: 7.5 g/L
RS: <4 g/L
Production: 1200 cases
Released: April 2009