He'll land in your front yard or on the roof of your apartment building in an AH-64 Apache helicopter and kneel before you to present your crap on a pillow woven from threads of pure platinum and stuffed with manatee whiskers, to fanfare from an 84-piece mariachi orchestra. If there's a better way to spend a million dollars, we hope you don't think of it.
Of course, that may seem extravagant to those of you of more limited means. So for a mere $350,000, we'll hire the most beautiful skydivers we can find of the gender of your choice to parachute down to you with the crap concealed somewhere on their bodies. You'll have to search them for it. Whatever you find is yours. And take as long as you want - you paid for it. Just enter the coupon code BODYCAVITY when you check out.
If your budget doesn't permit that, we do offer another choice. A troupe of authentic circus freaks will parade before you in a grotesque pageant of human oddity and pathos, each adding one more piece of crap to your pile as you contemplate the infinite variety of creation. Just don't call Barba the Bearded Lady "sir". She'll mess you up bad, no problem. You can receive your crap via this method by entering the coupon code GABBAGABBA. Shipping charge: $100,000.
True bargain-chasers might prefer a more no-frills alternative. For just $15,000, we'll arrange an authentic Bedouin-style feast in your home, with your crap stuffed inside the traditional main dish, a whole roasted camel. Vegetarian options available upon request. For this shipping method, enter the tasty coupon code CAMEL.
Of course, if you're the average Wooter, you're more of the frugal type who might find an even better shipping deal. The kind of deal you only discover when you're slow and methodical. The kind that goes to the sort of person who never comes out of their shell. And maybe will be afraid of salt. There's got to be some kind of coupon code for those types.
However you choose to receive it, the world-famous Woot Bag o' Crap is sure to provide all the disappointment and regret Woot is known for.
THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0
I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.
II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people's crap turns out to be nicer than yours.
III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.
IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.
V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.
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Ship Of $10.00 + $0 shipping -or- $5 expedited shipping
(1) Heather Gray Woot Tee
Description: (click show to see it)
The back is the most neglected of all areas. Unless you count the lungs. We actually tried to get a printer that would handle lung covers but it cost way too much and do you know what you have to pay for insurance for something like that? Good night Irene!
So the only option left to us was to start printing on the back. Keep in mind that from now on, every shirt will have an option to print on the back. It might mean more work for us, but really, you're worth it, don't you think?
Wear this shirt: your first day at a new school. With any luck, they'll think you've already been hazed.
Don't wear this shirt: if you're friends with a sales representative for a major tape production company. You can't expect him to endorse a message that might lead to a drop in his commission.
This shirt tells the world: "I've just been cyberbullied by the Amish."
We call this color: Heather Graypril Fool's! You're not getting any of that "print on the back" stuff! It was all a big joke! Suckers! Now shut up and consume.
Design Placement: Centered (Front & Back)
Design Size (Front):
3X - S: 8.61" x 4.58"
WXL - K4: 6.46" x 3.43"
Design Size (Back):
3X - S: 14.14" x 18.99"
WXL - K4: 9" x 12.08"
Pantone Color(s): 3935 C - 353 C - Pantone Black C
A regimen that's too intense can overwork your palate, while one that's too easy doesn't do much to improve your tone. So this Kunde Estate three-pack offers three different red-wine workouts, tailored to different fitness goals.
Tongues in need of light exercise should opt for the Kunde Estate 2006 Vallee de la Lune, a blend of Grenache, Syrah, and Mourvedre with a sprinkle of Viognier. Smooth, easy-sipping boysenberry and spice aromas, jammy cranberry flavors, and mild tannins get your blood pumping with a minimum of impact and strain. It's perfect for socializing - just call up an exercise partner and tell them bring over their crystal water bottle.
The Kunde Estate 2005 Merlot is for those seeking a full but relaxing workout, with classic Merlot character of cherries and tea leaves. The occasional burst of sandalwood stretches your preconceptions while it flexes your tastebuds. Like all good exercise, once you get into the rhythm, you won't want to stop.
For sheer strength, nothing beats the Kunde Estate 2005 Syrah. Rich blackberry and mint aromas are followed by muscular berry and chocolate flavors - this wine is ripped. But don't let its power fool you. It also offers a subtle hints of cedar and a velvety, plush mouthfeel. You'll want to pair it with a meal that's capable of heavy lifting, like steak with peppercorns or a hearty vegetable stew.
Whether your palate is in tip-top shape or a little on the flabby side, one of these Kunde Estate workouts will help it toward prime physical condition. Of course, for best results, you'll want to try all three. Just don't hurt yourself.