Hey, Kari. We've been thinking about you. Ever since we found out we were <A href="http://twitter.com/kariedwards/status/1184518904">64% compatible</A> you've been all we could think about. That pink background. Those glasses. Don't pay any attention to <A href="http://twitter.com/jmoriarty/status/1184527430">@jmoriarty</A>. He's just mad about what happened at the bar the other night. No, nothing bad. It's just, well, ladies love a corporation, you know what we're saying?
We're sorry we forgot about Valentine's Day. But we're gonna make it up to you. Look what we've got here, baby. A Dirt Devil Kurv Cordless Vacuum Cleaner. It's stylish, exciting, and starts with a K. You know what else starts with a K? Us. We see a K and we're revving like a 9.6 volt motor with a rechargeable battery.
Kari, this Dirt Devil Kurv Cordless Vacuum Cleaner allows you a convenient way to clean up day-to-day spills. Like if we were lying on your couch together, eating crackers. Not that generic kind, Kari. Premium crackers. Before we made it into a pull-out bed we'd turn on this Dirt Devil Kurv Cordless Vacuum Cleaner and vacuum up all the crumbs. Except, you know, for @jmoriarty. He can't even come into the house once we finish moving in.
Okay, okay, maybe that was a little fast. We're sorry. It's just that a fine lady like you, well, a company like us isn't getting any younger. We need a place for our Easy-To-Empty Bagless Dirt Cup, if you get our meaning. And you're so stylish. You're so stylish, you could have been designed by Karim Rashid. In fact, forget those crackers. You should be eating <A href="http://sellout.woot.com/">a wonderful gift package of cookies</A>. You don't even have to share the pretzels with us. That's how much we care.
We're not saying you have to decide right now, Kari. We're just saying, think it over. Talk to your friends. We're not gonna pretend that there haven't been <A href="http://twitter.com/hell0jed/statuses/1178194786">others</A> before you. But this time, we think things are different. You're special. Special like a Dirt Devil Kurv Cordless Vacuum Cleaner. And what other website would tell you that?
Warranty: 3 Year Dirt Devil
Cordless hand held vacuum cleaner created with convenience in mind
Great for daily upkeep and for crumbs and dust and spills that happen frequently
Easy to empty dirt cup
Stylish base also acts as the charging module
9.6 volt motor
Stylish design, designed by Karim Rashid
In the box:
Kurv Cordless Vacuum
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Caught Up $10.00 + $0 shipping -or- $5 expedited shipping
(1) Cream Woot Tee
Description: (click show to see it)
Saturdays are free sample days at the supermarket, so that takes care of meals for the weekend. For breakfasts, I just pretend like I'm interested in buying a car. Four donuts and three cups of coffee later, I'm on my way. I know exactly when the various religious congregations in my area will hold functions with free refreshments. And if you want to live my way, you absolutely have to take full advantage of all the free stuff at fast-food joints.
Find a good food mall court for one-stop shopping. Napkins, sporks, hot sauce, parmesan, salt, pepper, mayonnaise - with the right recipes, you can eat for a week on what you can cram in your coat pockets. (Don't knock the idea of ketchup-tartar sauce bisque until you've tried it.) Sure, that stuff is for suckers - er, I mean, paying customers - but nobody's gonna look twice during lunch rush.
Wear this shirt: to let people know you're not the kind of rube who pays money for food.
Don't wear this shirt: on your commando raids of the condiment bar.
This shirt tells the world: "If they didn't want me taking this stuff, they wouldn't put it right out here for free."
We call this color: I Once Survived An Entire Week On Nothing But Little Plastic Cups Of Flavored Non-Dairy Creamer From QuikTrip.
Design Placement: Centered
3X - S: 8" x 10.95"
WXL - K4: 6" x 8.21"
Once in the land of Paso Robles, there were five sisters. On the inside, they were as complex and flavorful as any other bottles of wine, and more than most. But oh, how ugly they were...
Nobody wanted to drink the JanKris sisters because their labels were so tacky and unappealing. The townsfolk were so repulsed by the gaudy purple-and-gold getup that they couldn't imagine that the wine was worth drinking. And so the five JanKris sisters languished in a cottage outside of town, hidden away from the eyes and tongues of the world. Every day they wished their fairy godmother would send them someone who would appreciate the sisters for what was on the inside, not dismiss them for what was on the outside.
Then one day a humble data-entry associate got lost in the woods on his way home from the office park. His wandering gave him a powerful thirst. When he saw the little cottage in the woods, he approached - then realized that it was the home of the ugly JanKris sisters. He was about to turn and flee when something made him change his mind. Grow up, man, he told himself. You're the thirsty one. You're going to turn down a drink just because you don't like the labels on the bottle? Don't be such a baby.
So he knocked on the door and asked for a drink. The sisters were so happy to see someone that they each poured him a glass. And the wanderer couldn't believe his tongue. Despite their hideous appearance, the 2003 Syrah was a dazzling revelation, with its weighty, smoky mouthful of dark fruit, black olives, cocoa, and cinnamon. The soft, round, supple 2006 Merlot; the drinkably fruity 2004 Riatta twins; the bright, rich 2004 Picaro blend - each sister, it seemed, was as alluring as she was homely. "JanKris sisters," he said, "I don't care what you look like. I love you."
Then, thanks to his unquestioning love for the sisters regardless of how they looked, a magical thing happened. In a cloud of smoke appeared new owners for JanKris Winery. They said they would design new labels so the sisters could be beautiful on the outside to reflect their beauty on the inside. As for the humble data-entry associate, he bought up a bunch of the ugly bottles cheap on Wine.Woot. And they all lived drunkenly ever after.