Tom: From Belmont Park Racecourse, welcome to the second
lap of the 2008 Sierra Mist/Pennzoil Xtreme Race for the Presidency.
Two weeks ago, the candidates completed the swimsuit portion of the
competition, and are now ready to take questions from the American
people. From millions of questions posted on the Internet, there were
only maybe two good ones. So we brought in a bunch of undecided voters
to ask the same questions that were asked in the last debate, since
they all missed it. We'll start with a question for you, Senator Mac,
from Paris London of Rome, Texas.
Paris London, voter:
My question is about the economy. Oh my God, what the hell are we going
to do? What the hell, man? Somebody, for God's sake, do something!
My friend, a lot of Americans are angry, confused, and fearful right
now. I should know. I'm one of them. People are hurting, and not just
those people who deserve it. Why, just the other day, I paid $6.99 for
the very same buffet I used to pay $6.49 for. And that was the early
bird special. It's clear that something, anything, needs to be done, no
matter how feckless or ineffectual. So I am instructing my subordinates
to suspend my campaign until the next question in this debate. It's
time to get serious, my friends.
Senator Bam: While
they've been living the high life on Wall Street, all the lowlifes are
living on Main Street. Things have been positively 4th Street, but a
nightmare on Elm Street. We've seen 221 Baker Street turn into 21 Jump
Street. But look: the thing we have to do is cut the strings on these
golden parachutes. I pledge to you that within two years, I will
eliminate not only golden parachutes, but every color of parachute
besides the red, white, and blue.
DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
I'll provide convenient, safe space heating at a reasonable price.
Also, all money will be given away free. I mean, we're the government,
right? We can always print more.
Tom: And for our next question, over there in section F, Brad Nair of Bald Mountain, Wyoming.
Brad Nair, voter:
Hoo hoo hoo! Section F rules! All right! Listen, Senator Bam, I do a
lot of funnycar racing, I run the electric in my house off a gasoline
generator, and I drive my SUV from my front door to the garage where I keep my bigger SUV.
So the high price of gasoline is really hitting me in the wallet. What
are you going to do for me so I don't have to change my own behavior in
Senator Bam: We've got to end our
dependence on foreign oil. Every dollar we send to Alberta,
Saskatchewan, and other foreign powers gets turned against us in
international amateur hockey competition. But look, it's not going to
happen overnight. That's why we have got to invest in alternative
energy sources right now, because we've got to recognize that the sun
is not going to be there forever. We need to grab that solar power
while we can.
DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
The greatest energy resource in America is right under our noses:
electricity. I mean, come on: it just comes out of holes in the wall!
You don't need to mine anything or burn anything or whatever. And when
it runs out, you just go flip the circuit breaker back. As an
electrical appliance myself, let me come out and say that I'm a very
strong supporter of electricity. If that makes me unpopular, so be it.
My friends, let me tell you what my friends - not you guys in the
audience, my other friends up here on stage - have really done beyond
their fancy rhetoric and correct pronunciations of foreign words.
Senator Bam voted 38 - no, 125 - no, 497 times to raise the price of
gasoline. Approximately every four seconds, Senator Bam votes to raise
the price of gasoline. There, he just did it again. And DeLonghi
Multi-Position Ceramic Heater has a secret of his own: he'll raise
taxes on 119% of Americans by an average of 900%, and require each
household to offer up two goats and three pecks of turnips. Don't
bother looking in his platform for this. It's not in there.
Fortunately, I overheard him talking about it in the men's room.
Tom: The next question is to you, DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater, and it comes from Dale Glenn of Glendale, California.
Dale Glenn, voter: How can you the American people trust any of the candidates given the varying positions you've all adopted over the years?
DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
Thank you for the question, Dale, and thanks for just being you. Dale,
I'm proud of my ability to take multiple positions if the situation
demands it, Dale. When the American people need a floor heater, I can
be a floor heater. But Dale, in times of great crisis that can somehow
be helped by me being a tower heater, well, I'm your man, too. Either
way, Dale, I provide 1500 watts of radiant, room-filling heat. I don't
think any of the other candidates can say that, Dale.
My friends, this one talks a good game. But when the time came to stand
up for America, he voted for a budget festooned with goodies. And if
there's one thing I hate, it's goodies. In my day, when we wanted a
treat, we soaked a piece of stale bread in castor oil and sprinkled
nutmeg on it, with a glass of beet juice on the side. If that was good
enough for me, it's good enough for America. And when I'm in the White
House, it will be.
Senator Bam: I've never wavered
in my commitment to the American people to remain fully committed to
the American people. That's the kind of commitment I'm committed to.
But look: we don't need more of the same policies we've seen these last
eight years. Reality is not a Choose Your Own Adventure novel, where
you can go back and see what would have happened if you'd investigated
the sound coming from the crash-landed UFO
instead of following the mysterious light into the woods. It's time for
a president with the judgment to choose the right adventure the first
Tom: Here's another question from section F, on the subject of healthcare. Let's hear from Heather Gray of Pantone, Louisiana.
Heather Gray, voter:
I am currently spending all of my income on health insurance for myself
and my eight cats. Do you have anything really petty and irrelevant to
say about lowering health care costs?
Senator Bam: You're right, health insurance is too expensive. But look: what I would do is, put your health records online.
I've heard of this "online", my friends, and it sounds like a great
place to store your most confidential, personal information.
DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
I have to agree. Put everybody's health records on the Internet. To
those who object on the grounds of possible breaches of security and
privacy, I'll just say this: ever heard of a little thing called a
Tom: I'd like to ask the viewers at home
to please, if you're playing a drinking game, to stop drinking when you
hear "my friend" or "but look", for your own sake and that of your
loved ones. Now we'll turn to foreign affairs. Our next question comes
from the Internet, and has to do with Pakistan. Is al-Qaeda up in ur
mountns plannin ur massacres, or do all their base belong to Pakistan?
Pakistan is a real problem, my friends. But the deal is, we have to
pretend we like them or we won't get invited to Bangladesh's skating
party. When it comes to bin Laden, I will stop at nothing to capture
him. But if Pakistan asks, you didn't hear that from me, OK?
The fact of the reality of the matter is, Osama bin Laden is still out
there somewhere. He's not in Iraq, and he's not here tonight, so that's
two places we can cross off our list. But look: every breath he takes,
every move he makes, every bond he breaks, every step he takes, we'll
be watching him.
DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: I say we stomp him, and then we tattoo him, and then we hang him, and then we kill him.
Tom: The next question will again come from section F, from a Mr. Pladimir Vutin of Moscow, Idaho.
Pladimir Vutin, voter:
Thank you in the name of the motherland. Candidates, the mighty Russian
empire was bringing light to the darkness of Central Asia when America
was just a bunch of naked beaver-trappers with malaria. How dare you
lecture one of the most advanced civilizations on Earth about how to
conduct her internal affairs?
Senator Bam: The
problem was, Putin went down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal.
But look: he paid for it all with Granny's caviar money. Russia's
laughing all the way to the bank, or wherever they keep their money in
that messed-up country. So until we end our dependence on foreign
caviar, Russia wins.
Senator Mac: Our friends in
Georgia must know that they have friends in us, my friends. That is why
I will always, always stand by those brave, brave Duke boys. They're
just good ol' boys, never meaning no harm. And they're fighting the
system like a true modern-day Robin Hood.
DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater:
See, the reason the Russians are such jerks is simple: they're cold.
Send a couple hundred million of me over there and see if they don't
kinda let all that Georgia and Chechnya-type crap just kinda slide off
Tom: And our final question tonight
also comes from the Internet, and it has something of a Zenlike
quality: what do you not know that cannot be unknown, and when did you
Senator Bam: I'm glad someone has finally
asked that. But look: as I travel this nation seeking the votes of
Americans, I'm constantly reminded that people need help. Right now,
somebody out there has a flat tire. Somebody is trying to reach
something on a high shelf, only to find that in America today, reaching
high shelves is a right reserved only for the tall. Somebody else has
just run out of brown sugar, and may be turning to a neighbor or a
relative just to finish the recipe they started. I say, it's
government's job to give these people a hand. This is the best of
America at its worst. This is the highest point of our lowest moment.
And it's time for the beginning of the middle of the end. Thank you.
Here's what I know. My friends, our nation faces challenges the likes
of which we've never seen. The recession. The fuel crisis. The
gathering storm over Iran. And the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. But
with a leader like President Reagan, I'm confident that our nation will
see its way through the 1980's in better shape than ever. And if you,
the good people of Arizona see fit to elect me Senator, I pledge to
always fight for your interests, against the special interests. Not
that you're not special in your own way. You know what I'm saying.
DeLonghi Multi-Position Ceramic Heater: Wait, what? What do I know - no, what do I not know? And what, now? I think I missed part of the question.
Tom: Thank you to the candidates, and to the horses of Belmont Park. Good night.
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Enough with the bravado. Enough with the posing. Enough with the
mystic Chinese or Celtic or Runic or Japanese characters that probably
mean something far more embarrassing than what you think they mean.
What this world needs is more honest tattoos.
Next time, instead of that meaningless fantasy tat you were going to get, try UNEMPLOYABLE in big Olde English lettering across your throat. Or maybe cover your chest with the mugshot from your most recent DUI,
rendered in the style of Boris Vallejo if that makes you feel better.
Or adorn your bicep with a wilted rose encircled by banners reading I'D
RATHER BE WEARING SWEATPANTS.
a real truth-in-tattooing law, it'd be so much easier to tell the
difference between potential lover and pathetic loser, between cool and
criminally psychotic. This t-shirt is a start - and it won't even hurt
you to wear it. Notice you never see any WIMP tattoos?
This shirt was designed by: St. Louis tattoo jockey and jolly bon vivant <a href="http://jamietoon.com/">Jamie Toon</a>,
who had to kill, like, 50 birds with his bare hands before he found
just the right model for this design. Along with having the great good
fortune to be born with the awesomest big brother this side of Orwell,
Jamie triumphantly triumphed in Shirt.Woot's <a href="http://shirt.woot.com/blog/viewentry.aspx?id=5580">first-ever Analog Derby</a>.
Wear this shirt: out on the town and maybe, just maybe, the ladies will finally let you have a moment's peace.
Don't wear this shirt:
if it would cover up a better-looking tattoo. You probably paid more
than ten bucks to have that done, right? Well, are you gonna let 7-11
tell you how to live your life?
This shirt tells the world: "The only good tattoo cliche is a dead tattoo cliche."
We call this color: Inky Black.
Design Placement: Centered
M - 3X: 11" x 15.45"
S - WS: 8.25" x 11.58"
In the endless quest for a distinctive brand identity, wineries have drawn on a wide range of inspirations and imagery. Geographical, historical, artistic, cinematic, and literary inside jokes have all been featured in some of the wine names and labels for sale on this very site. But what about the science geeks? Unless you count the "funny animal" trend - and we've certainly never seen any species called a "Naked Kangaroo" or a "Chartreuse Zebra" in any biology textbook - the sciences have been totally neglected. Don't the guys and gals in the lab coats deserve a wine to call their own?
No - they deserve four wines to call their own. And this Wines of Substance four-pack delivers. Beyond their mission to educate vine-heads everywhere about the superlative wines coming from Washington state, Substance adorns every wine in their line with a bold, periodic-table-inspired label, including a two-letter symbol. Talk about your mood-altering chemicals.
Of course, the label on the test tube doesn't matter as much as what's in it, and the brain trust behind Substance has a lot more going for it than a clever labelling gimmick. Back in 1996, Greg Harrington became the youngest American to ever pass the Master Sommelier exam. He put those credentials to good use as a manager of wine programs for guys like Emeril Lagasse and Wolfgang Puck before founding Gramercy Cellars in Walla Walla with his wife. Meanwhile, a couple of other Walla Wallaites named Jason Huntley and Jamie Brown had founded Waters Winery, dazzling the oenophile elite with elegant, food-friendly wines like they make 'em in the Old World.
But the elite wasn't the problem. This Walla Walla alla-star team worried that Washington wines were being overlooked by wine n00bz, for lack of affordable on-ramps to the Washington wine expressway. They joined forces to form the grape-stomping Voltron known as Substance, setting out to school the world's palate in all the Evergreen State has to offer. Fortunately for you, this four-part course's tuition is cheap and the classwork is, well, anything but work.
Lesson one: Substance 2007 Merlot. Available here for the first time anywhere, this one calls out the Sideways snobs with a rich roundhouse right of intense herb, plum, chocolate, and dark berry fruits. Best enjoyed with fatty beef, fatty pork, fatty chicken, or fistfuls of cheese. Taste those hints of dust and gravel sprinkled in the smooth tannins? That's the taste of Washington.
Lesson two: Substance 2007 Chardonnay. Unlike some of its fellow Chards, you won't be wondering if you should drink it or spread it on toast. Oh, there's a little butter in there, sure - its melon, baked apple, and fig flavors are as rich and full-bodied as Oprah. But it's spiked with acid (not that kind) and French oak to make itself a refreshing dinner guest.
Lesson three: Substance 2007 Riesling. And the first thing you'll learn is, it's not from Germany. Intense, dry, acidic - it's nothing but a Washington thing, yo. Melon, citrus, apricot, and peach flavors stand in bold counterpoint to anything seasoned with ginger, coriander, or caramelized onions. Unless, maybe, you're one of those weirdos who puts caramelized onions on your Frosted Flakes.
Lesson four: Substance 2006 Cabernet Sauvignon. One of the original Substance joints, you may not recognize it if you're used to Cabs that taste like they were made by Smuckers. Those red and black fruit flavors are balanced by firm acidity and soft integrated tannins, with the occasional stray note of herbs, flowers, or mocha wafting by.
But hey, reading the syllabus is nothing compared to actually taking in the class. For a sure-fire chemical reaction from your palate or your guests', enroll in the Wines of Substance Washington Four-Pack. And remember: if you skip class, you're only hurting yourself.