Always look on the bright side, say the pink-spectacle crowd. Good
advice - if you want to burn out your retinas and go blind! What kind
of sucker do these happy freaks think I am? They're not gonna put one
over on Arthur Churlman, host of You're Not Gonna Put One Over On Me!
we're being asked to believe that the Sandisk Sansa e280 8GB Media
Player is not a worthless clod of feces that probably gives you ear
cancer. No sale, crooks! For one thing, it's tiny. Anything this small
that costs this much better either be made of solid gold, or get me
high when I smoke it.
And I'd have to get zonked on
something before I dared share my credit card number with a sleazy
fly-by-night outfit like Woot. I guess anybody with a card table and a
modem can call themselves an "online store" nowadays. God knows where
my credit card number would wind up. Sorry, Russian mafia - find
yourself another chump.
Sandisk seems awfully pleased with
themselves over the Sansa's 8GB memory capacity and compact portable
size. You know who else is pleased about that? Muggers. While you're
bopping down the street without a care in the world, they'll jump out,
grab your purse or wallet, and probably slash your face a little bit
just for fun. You'll never hear it coming. Don't be surprised if some
of that ill-gotten cash finds its way into the Sandisk coffers.
And let's talk about this "large" 1.8" TFT
color screen for a second. A one-point-eight-inch screen is "large"? In
what dollhouse? Hey, Sandisk: don't puke on my tortilla chips and tell
me it's salsa.
If these bunco artists concentrated as much
on making media players as they do on fleecing the consumer flock, the
Sandisk Sansa e280 8GB Media Player might be worth more than the space
it takes up. As it is, the only thing getting played here is you, you
poor ignorant sap. Until the next outrageous scam Woot attempts to
foist onto an unsuspecting public, I'm Arthur Churlman - and You're Not Gonna Put One Over On Me!
Dude, we gotta try this new idea of mine for the band, check this out: pirate metal.
I mean, we already wear skulls and stuff, and Brody's got that
eyepatch. We're halfway there. Then we write a bunch of totally
rapacious pirate songs called, like, "Walk the Plank" and "Floating
Death" and "Treasure Map To Hell" and "Jolly Roger Laughing While You
Get Ate By Sharks" and crap like that, and we come up with a name like
Bloodbeard, or, or, no, wait, I know: Dragonfog! Dude! Dragonfog! Call
Big Mickey's Music Pit and tell them to save us a slot for open mic
I swear, these kids today. Did I tell you about my grandson? I go to
see him in his school talent show, and I'm thinking he'll sing a little
song, or tell some jokes, or juggle, maybe. Or play the clarinet. He
used to love to play the clarinet. But what does he do? He gets up
there and embarrasses the whole family with one of these rapper songs
about putting his, his, you know, private parts in a box! And he didn't
even sing, just moved his mouth along with the words! That's talent
I wish he could be more like that nice Brandon
Weimer and Leah Post. I saw these kids on Martha Stewart. When they
needed money for a class trip, they didn't steal their great-aunt's TV,
the way my druggie grand-niece would. They mixed up a batch of sweet
creamy butter, pure cane sugar, chocolate, and almonds into a toffee
that's to die for. Brandini's Toffee, they call it. Isn't that cute? I
thought it was cute.
So they sold the toffee to their
friends and family, and then this guy Don Callender comes along, he
wants to help them with their recipe. He's from those Marie Callender
restaurants, you know? And then this fancy chocolate company comes
along, this Guittard chocolate, and they want to put their chocolate in
the toffee. Next thing you know, they're winning all kinds of awards
and stuff: the Winter Fancy Food Show, the Silver Sofi, the Gold Sofi.
And the toffee's in all these gourmet shops and everything. And they're
still kids! Still in high school! My granddaughter was already dancing
in that striptease show at their age.
So I bought a bunch of this Brandini Toffee for the gift exchange at the VFW Ladies'
Auxiliary. I had a little piece just to see how it was, and I have to
tell you, I went through a half-pound can before I knew it. Then I
thought, well, I'll just take a little from the pound box - it's so
big, I thought nobody would notice. Well, I ate that too. Then my other
grandson came over to prune my shrubs, and I gave him some ice cream
with the toffee topper sprinkled on. He leaves, and later, I can't find
the toffee topper tin. Or my credit cards.
I bet that never happens to Brandon Weimer's and Leah Post's grandmas.