(1) Telesteps 12.5 ft. Telescopic Extension Ladder
Description: (click show to see it)
I really thought I had it all. I mean, I was a stagehand for one of
America's leading home-shopping channels. Who wouldn't lose perspective
in a crazy situation like that? The fast cars, the wild parties, the
constant requests for autographs - and the women, man, the women...not to
mention the famous "sample room" of free merch sent to us by
manufacturers. I never paid a penny for a food processor or a novelty
chess set the whole time I worked there. I felt like the King of the
Then came a day that seemed like any other - at
first. We were selling this thing called the Telesteps 12.5 ft.
Telescopic Extension Ladder. I was chosen to show it off for the
audience, to unfold it from its compact collapsed form to its full
height. It was time for me to shine. I changed into my black jeans so
the chicks out there could get a good look at my butt and climbed on
up. There I was, pretending to dust a fake window while a nation ooohed
and aaahed. I was on, man. I was in the zone, doing what I do, the only
way I know how to do it.
It only took an instant. But my whole life flashed before my eyes. And I was horrified. Is
this all I was put here for? To demonstrate cheap crap like a trained
chimp, on a basic-cable channel that's a national joke? To run around
with women who can't even get into the dressing room of a third-tier
metal band on a reunion tour? After a few terrifying minutes, I realized I was OK - physically. Spiritually, I would never be the same.
truly believe I was saved for a reason. I believe a higher power had a
purpose for me more important than hawking the Telesteps 12.5 ft.
Telescopic Extension Ladder, and knocked me off that ladder to put me
on the right path. And a few days later, I knew I'd found that purpose.
See, I met this nice person who offered me a free personality test,
which really revealed the inner truth - hey, hey, wait a minute! Where
are you going? Come back! Come back!
A lesson to bullies: There's always someone bigger than you. Or
stronger. Or smarter. Or with more appendages. You want to mess with
sea critters? Don't be surprised when a sea critter messes back, and
you get octo-pushed around a little bit. Know what I'm saying? A little
squid pro quo. Here are just four of the many important things that certain sea mollusks have and you don't.
1: Eight armfuls of grippy suction cups.
2: A powerful beak for perforating flesh and crushing tissue.
3: Gills (this provides a significant home-court advantage).
And 4: Big octopus brothers.
Think this over, snorkle-boy. The tentacle tango isn't such a fun dance when you don't get to lead. Au revoir, mon calamari!
shirt was designed by: James Cho--he's baaa-aaaack! With this
second-place tee, Crazy Jimmy hath returned to our li'l ol' Derby like
the prodigal son. Or like a bad penny. Say, for example, Penny
Wear this shirt: if you get picked for "shirts" in a pickup basketball game.
Don't wear this shirt: if you're on "skins."
This shirt tells the world: "There are plenty of fish in the sea. And some of them will crush your bones to paste."
We call this color: Acephalophalt
Design Placement: Centered
M - 3X: 13" x 13.21"
S - WS: 9.75" x 9.9"
Pantone Color(s): Pantone Black C - 150C - 153C - 149C - 7545C - 600C
I swear, these kids today. Did I tell you about my grandson? I go to
see him in his school talent show, and I'm thinking he'll sing a little
song, or tell some jokes, or juggle, maybe. Or play the clarinet. He
used to love to play the clarinet. But what does he do? He gets up
there and embarrasses the whole family with one of these rapper songs
about putting his, his, you know, private parts in a box! And he didn't
even sing, just moved his mouth along with the words! That's talent
I wish he could be more like that nice Brandon
Weimer and Leah Post. I saw these kids on Martha Stewart. When they
needed money for a class trip, they didn't steal their great-aunt's TV,
the way my druggie grand-niece would. They mixed up a batch of sweet
creamy butter, pure cane sugar, chocolate, and almonds into a toffee
that's to die for. Brandini's Toffee, they call it. Isn't that cute? I
thought it was cute.
So they sold the toffee to their
friends and family, and then this guy Don Callender comes along, he
wants to help them with their recipe. He's from those Marie Callender
restaurants, you know? And then this fancy chocolate company comes
along, this Guittard chocolate, and they want to put their chocolate in
the toffee. Next thing you know, they're winning all kinds of awards
and stuff: the Winter Fancy Food Show, the Silver Sofi, the Gold Sofi.
And the toffee's in all these gourmet shops and everything. And they're
still kids! Still in high school! My granddaughter was already dancing
in that striptease show at their age.
So I bought a bunch of this Brandini Toffee for the gift exchange at the VFW Ladies'
Auxiliary. I had a little piece just to see how it was, and I have to
tell you, I went through a half-pound can before I knew it. Then I
thought, well, I'll just take a little from the pound box - it's so
big, I thought nobody would notice. Well, I ate that too. Then my other
grandson came over to prune my shrubs, and I gave him some ice cream
with the toffee topper sprinkled on. He leaves, and later, I can't find
the toffee topper tin. Or my credit cards.
I bet that never happens to Brandon Weimer's and Leah Post's grandmas.