You lost seven more golf balls the other day. And you're tired of
the other guys at the golf course always laughing at you about it. It's
not nice, what they say about you. What's worse, it's not accurate. You
do too know how to identify Shinola. Obviously, you know what a hole in
the ground looks like, and that it's not a part of your anatomy. If
they're going to attack you, at least they could get their facts
straight, you know?
Well, they'll be laughing out the
other side of their tasteful doubleknit polos from now on. You're
rolling with the Ballfinder Scout Digital Golf Ball Locator. While
those jerks are relying on their faulty eyes and ears to locate their
wayward orbs, the Ballfinder uses a 3.2-megapixel digital imager to
locate balls from up to 35 feet away. It works on any white golf ball
with as few as 3 dimples showing. Just slowly scan the area where you
suspect your ball is hiding, and something nifty called a "vibro-buzz"
lets you know when it's been found. Then LED
lights point the way to your pale, dimpled quarry - along with the
occasional spot of sun glare or stray bit of styrofoam, free as a bonus
So let them all laugh. We'll see who's laughing when
your golf bag is full of their lost golf balls. Remember, we never said
the balls you find have to be your own. And you won't even need two
hands and a map.
2nd place in Derby #52: Emergency!, with 790 votes!
Oo ya dat tree over dere, dats where dem panders groo. Ya, dey were
all around here grooing up, you bet, wit dem cutey black an white paws
and de big eyes, ya, all rolly-polly. We used to goo out an have a
little pickanick under dat tree, maybe serve hot dish and pop and watch
da panders play in the grass. But this was back before our governor
fought the Predator. Ya, only two states in da whole world can say dat.
And needer a dem has panders now. Well, maybe in da zoo. Do you like
zoos? Ya, you gotta like dem zoos. Where else can you see da panders?
This shirt was designed by: tgentry, who still has the lovely <a href="http://shirt.woot.com/friends.aspx?k=5660">Suburban Blitzkrieg</a>
on sale. Tgentry suggests you buy today's shirt for each one of your
friends, so you can tell everyone you gave them the bird. We, of
course, immediately signed tgentry up for a class in manners and tree
identification with one of the finest professors the English speaking
world has ever produced. And every time he does well, he gets a sweet!
Wear this shirt: if you're a good girl, you am, who won't be put upon. Aaaaooowwwww.
Don't wear this shirt: if you're a common guttersnipe. Only a very rare sort of guttersnipe deserves a shirt of this quality.
This shirt tells the world: "This is how I want the cover of 'Tweety: The Dark Knight Returns' to look."
We call this color: You Start Callin' People Me-Too Birds You Better Be Ready To Get Your Asphalt Kicked Out Behind The Seven-Eleven
3X - M: 9" x 9.91"
S - WS: 6.75" x 7.43"
I am writing to bring to your attention a scandalous loophole in the laws concerning children and alcohol. As you know, Americans can proudly claim some of the most restrictive alcohol laws in the free world. Decrepit failed states like Ireland, France, and China wallow in anarchy and chaos, permitting children to drink at age 18 or even younger. Only the U.S.A. follows the time-tested maxim: "Just because we trust you to fight in a war and vote for the president doesn't mean we trust you with a glass of wine."
All well and good...but what about making that wine?
It has come to my attention that one Brian Benson of Paso Robles, California allegedly began making wine at the tender age of 12. As if that weren't bad enough, he began this illicit activity under the tutelage of his very own father. While I possess no evidence that Brian actually drank any wine, for a child, merely being in the presence of wine is bad enough. Studies show that children who are placed in the same room with alcohol for even ten seconds inevitably become drunks, winos, hobos, punk rockers, pornographers, and Chicago Cubs fans. I can't remember which studies, but believe me, they were shocking.
While Brian is no longer a juvenile, he continues to flaunt his ill-gained knowledge with his very own <a href="http://www.brianbensoncellars.com/">Brian Benson Cellars</a> line of wines, begun when he was just 19 years old. Now he is 25, which means his current activities are unfortunately legal. But one taste of his Syrah will prove that there's no way he could've learned this much about winemaking in just four years.
The Brian Benson 2005 Syrah Denner Vineyard scored 90 points from Robert Parker, who called it "an impressive example of full-bodied Syrah possessing terrific minerality". The previous vintage was also full-bodied and bursting with fruit and berry flavors tempered with a dash of earth and spice. Note, please, that these grapes must have been planted when Mr. Benson was not yet of legal drinking age. While grapes on the vine are not alcoholic, they were clearly planted with alcoholic intent.
Science proves that on a person's 21st birthday, a tiny switch is thrown in his brain, making him immediately more mature. The scofflaw Brian Benson's outrageous behavior flies in the face of our reasonable, reality-based alcohol laws, and I demand he be punished. It may not be illegal to make wine before you turn 21, but this case is urgent enough to warrant casting aside our laws. May I suggest putting Brian Benson in stocks in the Paso Robles town square, so the populace can mock and abuse him? It would be for his own good. If we have to destroy our children in order to save them, that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
Please, won't you think of the children -
2005 Syrah Denner Vineyards
Harvested early November
28.5 brix at pick
No brix or acid adjustments
All native yeast, sugar and malic
Pre and post sorted, cold soaked for 7 days
1/8 fermented whole cluster, all lots fermented in 1.5 ton open tops, basket pressed directly into 85% new French Oak
100% gravity made
Not fined or filtered
2004 Syrah Denner Vineyards
Harvested late October
26.5 brix at pick
No brix or acid
100% destemmed and feremented in 5 ton open top fermentor