1 Now the Philistines gathered their forces for
war and assembled at Socoh in Judah. They pitched camp at Ephes Dammim,
between Socoh and Azekah. 2 Saul and the Israelites assembled and camped in the Valley of Elah and drew up their battle line to meet the Philistines. 3 They were all very upset because tonight was a new episode of The Simpsons and yet they had to work.
4 A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, came out of the Philistine camp. He was over nine feet tall. 5 He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze weighing five thousand shekels; 6 on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back. 7
His spear shaft was like a weaver's rod, and its iron point weighed six
hundred shekels. He had some issues with being the center of attention.
8 Goliath stood before a brick wall and
shouted to the ranks of Israel, "Do you not see that I am better than
your programming? Do you not prefer me to Deal Or No Deal? 9 What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? 'Ell if I 'no! 10 Is that not funny? Are you not laughing? For you cannot leave until my act is over! 11 Did not you notice that Philistine people drive like this, while Israeli people drive like this? 12 What about those pretzels you get on airlines? 13 These are the jokes, people!" 14 On hearing the Philistine's words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed that they could not leave, especially because 15 it had been foretold that tonight's Seinfeld was the one about The Contest, and everyone wanted to see that.
16 Now David was the son of an Ephrathite
named Jesse, who was from Bethlehem in Judah. Jesse had eight sons, and
in Saul's time he was old and well advanced in years. 17
Jesse's three oldest sons had followed Saul to the war: The firstborn
was Composite Audio & Video RCA Input/Output; the second, S-Video
Input/Output; and the third, RF/Coaxial Input. 18 David was the youngest. The three oldest followed Saul, 19 but David went back and forth from Saul to tend his father's IR Emitter at Bethlehem.
20 For forty days the Philistine came
forward every morning and evening and took his stand. By now the
Israelites had missed like four episodes of The Office and so both
sides were getting mad. 21 Plus it was hockey season, which made it worse. And Saul wanted to watch One Life To Live.
22 David said to Saul, "Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant has a solution."
23 Saul replied, "You are not able to go
out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a boy, and he
has been a fighting man from his youth."
24 David said to Saul, "Fight him? What are
you, insane? He's nine feet tall and weighs like a million dollars, I'm
not going over there. 25 I came to tell you that I just figured out a way to watch tv again!" And saying that, David produced the Slingbox Classic.
26 Saul responded, "How does that work?"
27 David hooked the Slingbox Classic to the
back of the television of his father, Jesse. Then he walked to the
front line, where the high priests were keeping the laptop. 28
Using the SlingPlayer software, David established a direct connection
to his own tv, so that it was possible to watch shows in places where
no television could go. 28 The men gathered around to watch. Morale became higher than the stack of potatoes in the market.
29Soon no one was paying attention to Goliath. Goliath tried to do a little dance but no one cared. 30
After twenty eight days of trying impressions, juggling, and some crazy
thing with a puppet singing Madonna, Golliath was broken hearted, and
he just walked away. 31 There was polite applause, but that only made it worse.
32 Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. 33
David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around,
because he was not used to them. And lo, he tripped on the hem, and
everyone did laugh. 34 David tried to sit on the couch, but the sword got in the way, and the tunic made him slip. And lo, did everyone laugh.
35"I cannot wear these," he said to Saul,
"because I look like an idiot." So he took them off, and contented
himself before the computer that did accept the stream from the
Slingbox Classic. And it was good, because just then, Law and Order SVU
was starting. 36 And they were ordering manna and a two liter, and Saul was buying.
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Son, it's time you learned the facts of life. I know you've wondered
about where babies come from. It's natural you'd be curious. Well, let
me put it like this:
When a man and a woman either love each other very much or have ordered too many margaritas, they... that is...
Well, courtship is a bit like a dance, son. An intimate, sometimes foul-smelling dance. What I mean is... er...
you ever heard the word "engorged?" No, no, bad place to start. Uhh,
remember last summer when we went to the primate house at the zoo? You
know what? Let me think about how to explain this. OK, starting over.
look over there. See those butterflies flitting from flower to flower?
Well, what they're doing there, is they're helping to make new flowers.
That butterfly there, he's carrying pollen from one flower to another.
And over there--Well, I guess that's some kind of robot. And he's ...
hmmn, I guess he's chasing the butterflies around, trampling the
flowers, and, uh, rampaging. So, uh.
I guess, uh... yeah. That's pretty much where babies come from. Any questions?
shirt was designed by: rglee129, who gives an absolutely riveting
version of "the talk," with Powerpoint slides and everything.
this shirt: every day until it's threadbare, then cut out the design
and sew it into a pillow stuffed with your true love's hair. Pro tip:
Remove the hair from your true love's head first.
this shirt: without a pre-wash--you don't know what goes on in our
printing and packing facility, and you don't want to have to find out
from your dermatologist.
This shirt tells the world: "Disassemble... Dead?"
We call this color: Human Baby Blue
3X - M: 15" x 9.86"
S-WS: 11.25" x 7.39"
Pantone Color(s): - Black C - White - 431 C - 429 C - 602 C - 158 C
First blossoms of spring The more you drink, the better The flowers will look
Those hearty reds got you
through the winter. Hunkered down in the cold, you wrapped their heavy,
comforting flavors around you like a bearskin sleeping bag. They warmed
your insides and delivered a smackdown on Jack Frost. But what now,
with spring here? The sun's staying out longer. Tiny, tentative shoots
of green are on the trees. The Chicago Cubs have not yet been
eliminated from World Series contention. Isn't it time for something a
little lighter - lighter in color, lighter in flavor, lighter in
The sparrow returns Spirals with joy through the air Is it drunk, or what?
Let Epiphany hop on down your
bunny trail. Hippity, hoppity, exquisite springtime flavor's on its
way. Winemaker Eli Parker, who has overseen winemaking at Fess Parker
Winery for years, started Epiphany to let him craft small lots of more
esoteric offerings than usually appear under the Fess Parker label.
This diverse trio has one thing in common: all three possess a
sparkling, refreshing quality perfect for springtime. OK, and they're
all made from grapes. And they all come in bottles. So that's three
things they have in common.
Dig, little chipmunk Unearth the nuts you hid - wait: Do chipmunks do that?
There's the distinctive
Epiphany 2006 "Inspiration", a white blend of Roussanne, Marsanne,
Viognier, and Grenache Blanc. It entices nostril and tongue alike with
notes of Asian pear, jasmine, apricot, guava, nectarine, honeydew,
beeswax, and vanilla. There's the Epiphany 2006 Rodney's Vineyard
Grenache Rose, with aromatics as beautiful as its lovely deep-pink
color. Strawberry, cherry, watermelon...if wine was Jolly Ranchers, it'd
taste like this. And there's also the Epiphany 2006 Goodchild Vineyard
Pinot Gris. In January, its brightly acidic flavors of light citrus,
melon, apricot, and pear would have seemed a cruel mockery. But the
March palate is only too ready for it. And with reason: the 2004 and
2005 vintages both scored 90 points from Wine Enthusiast.
I've had just about Enough of this winter crap You know what I mean?
So as you emerge, dazed and
starving, from your igloo, reach for this Epiphany three-pack. These
wines glisten like sunshine on snowmelt, soar like a kite in the March
breeze, and surprise like an over-the-hill free-agent pitcher who wins
a spot in the rotation.
Walking in a glade Of young violets, I had Three Epiphanies
Epiphany 2006 "Inspiration"
Vineyard Sources: 50% from Camp 4 Vineyard in Santa Ynez & 50% from Rodney's Vineyard in Santa Ynez.
Barrel Aging: 10 months in 1 year old & neutral barrels