I'm not saying I'm out of shape, but the other day I lost my breath
riding an escalator. My gut jiggles when I watch somebody run on TV.
And the last time my doctor tried to draw my blood, all that came out
was cherry pie filling. So maybe I could stand to tone up a little. The
only problem is, that takes effort. I'm not really a big effort guy.
You know what doesn't take effort? Buying fitness products. Take this Sports Beat D71 Dummies
Impulse Heart Rate Monitor. All it takes is a couple of mouse clicks
and this combination heart monitor and sports watch will be on its way
to my sofa. It's easy to use, easy to read, and easy to buy. It doesn't
require a chest belt, so I won't have to go through the humiliation of
asking my tailor to make me a special chest-belt extension. Actual
exercise involves lots of moving around, sweating, and sometimes
showering. But buying the Sports Beat D71 Dummies
Impulse Heart Rate Monitor gives me a warm feeling that I'm taking care
of my health, without burning up one precious calorie.
Warranty: 1 Year Sports Beat
The first to operate without a chestbelt
ECG accurate heart rate
Time of day, calendar, daily alarm
12/24 hour settings
Easy to read, large digital display
In the box:
Wrist Watch Heart Rate Monitor
Instruction Manual "Heart Rate Monitor for Dummies"
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Coming To Get Barbara $10.00 + $0 shipping -or- $5 expedited shipping
(1) Olive Woot Tee
Description: (click show to see it)
First place in Derby # 35: Spring, with 656 votes!
spring. Nature's great rebirth. The warm sun, the sound of birds, the
tulips rising from the... hey, wait... that's not a tulip... that's some kind
of... oh, lord... honey, get the kids... no, get the kids... NO STOP ARGUING GET THE KIDS AND GET TO THE CAR! WE CAN BUY ANOTHER BLANKET! NO, NO, NO, LISTEN JUST LEAVE THE... SCREW THE PICNIC BASKET! GET IN THE CAR! GET IN THE CAR! NO, DON'T LOOK AT THEM, HURRY, JUST RUN! RUN! WE HAVE TO... OH, OH GOD, WHY WON'T IT START? WHY WON'T IT START? WHY... WHY CAN'T
WE... Why... I just wanted to... honey... honey, I always loved you. I always
loved you most of all... I'm so sorry, honey, I'm so so sorry. Goodbye,
my love. Goodbye.
This shirt was designed by: skaght, who knows that, much like a potato, zombies are starchy and originated in South America.
Wear this shirt:
when you need something to wear after those stupid kids and their
meddling dog pull off your costume and reveal your plan to devalue the
neighbor's property by making outside investors think it is haunted
thereby paving the way for you to cheaply build your oil well without
being forced to pay him an annual stipend. Hey, it happens more often
than you'd think.
Don't wear this shirt: to church on Easter. Sure, it's TECHNICALLY
accurate, but there are some subtle points of faith that it kinda
glosses over. The devil is in the details, iIf you'll pardon the
This shirt tells the world: "I don't call them 'April showers', I call them 'raaaaaaaaaains'."
First blossoms of spring The more you drink, the better The flowers will look
Those hearty reds got you
through the winter. Hunkered down in the cold, you wrapped their heavy,
comforting flavors around you like a bearskin sleeping bag. They warmed
your insides and delivered a smackdown on Jack Frost. But what now,
with spring here? The sun's staying out longer. Tiny, tentative shoots
of green are on the trees. The Chicago Cubs have not yet been
eliminated from World Series contention. Isn't it time for something a
little lighter - lighter in color, lighter in flavor, lighter in
The sparrow returns Spirals with joy through the air Is it drunk, or what?
Let Epiphany hop on down your
bunny trail. Hippity, hoppity, exquisite springtime flavor's on its
way. Winemaker Eli Parker, who has overseen winemaking at Fess Parker
Winery for years, started Epiphany to let him craft small lots of more
esoteric offerings than usually appear under the Fess Parker label.
This diverse trio has one thing in common: all three possess a
sparkling, refreshing quality perfect for springtime. OK, and they're
all made from grapes. And they all come in bottles. So that's three
things they have in common.
Dig, little chipmunk Unearth the nuts you hid - wait: Do chipmunks do that?
There's the distinctive
Epiphany 2006 "Inspiration", a white blend of Roussanne, Marsanne,
Viognier, and Grenache Blanc. It entices nostril and tongue alike with
notes of Asian pear, jasmine, apricot, guava, nectarine, honeydew,
beeswax, and vanilla. There's the Epiphany 2006 Rodney's Vineyard
Grenache Rose, with aromatics as beautiful as its lovely deep-pink
color. Strawberry, cherry, watermelon...if wine was Jolly Ranchers, it'd
taste like this. And there's also the Epiphany 2006 Goodchild Vineyard
Pinot Gris. In January, its brightly acidic flavors of light citrus,
melon, apricot, and pear would have seemed a cruel mockery. But the
March palate is only too ready for it. And with reason: the 2004 and
2005 vintages both scored 90 points from Wine Enthusiast.
I've had just about Enough of this winter crap You know what I mean?
So as you emerge, dazed and
starving, from your igloo, reach for this Epiphany three-pack. These
wines glisten like sunshine on snowmelt, soar like a kite in the March
breeze, and surprise like an over-the-hill free-agent pitcher who wins
a spot in the rotation.
Walking in a glade Of young violets, I had Three Epiphanies
Epiphany 2006 "Inspiration"
Vineyard Sources: 50% from Camp 4 Vineyard in Santa Ynez & 50% from Rodney's Vineyard in Santa Ynez.
Barrel Aging: 10 months in 1 year old & neutral barrels