So there I was. In the middle of a school gym, upside down, in the
front seat of a Volkswagen with Willie Nelson. Ninjas everywhere!
Willie turned to me and said "Well, guess this is it." But I had my
Storm Sentinel 6 Piece Survival Kit. I said "Willie, help me make it
through the night." and he said "That was actually Kris Kristofferson."
But by then I was in motion.
I was a blur, a deadly,
cranking blur. In one hand I held the handpowered cell phone charger.
In the other, the hand powered flashlight. The first ninja was not
ready for a blast from the quick-charging LED with a 15,000 hour lifespan. I threw the cell phone charger attachments at the second: Nextel, Audiovox, Nokia, K700, A288, LG6000, V3, V998,
each one finding their mark in a pressure point, until the second ninja
went down in a twitching, helpless mass of silk and subterfuge. I
shouted "Kiss an angel good morning!" and heard Willie call back "That
was Charlie Pride!" I turned towards the Volkswagen to look at him.
over Willie's left shoulder I saw the third, and most dangerous, of all
the ninjas. "Willieeeeeeeeeeeeee!" I screamed as I ran, reaching into
my Weatherproof Nylon Carrying Case for my 4-in-1 keychain. The
magnifying glass? The compass? The thermometer? No, my friends, not
this strategist. I grabbed the whistle and blew like my life depended
on it. The ninja grabbed at me, but the sound was too much. He melted
away, as ninjas often do. "Like watching flowers on the wall," I
whispered, and heard Willie say "That was the Statler Brothers!" in a
weak voice. But that didn't matter. Willie and I were safe.
I helped Willie to his feet and we shook hands. "Sure wish I had a guitar, <a href="http://wine.woot.com/">or maybe some mead</a>." he said. "We could celebrate!"
worries, Willie." I took the hand powered shortwave radio from the
portable Aluminum case. "This here radio will let us listen to AM, FM,
or even the Shortwave band. That's as pretty as a coat of many colors."
"That was Dolly Parton," Willie sighed. "Do you even know who I am?"
And that, children, is the true story of the day I murdered Willie Nelson.
Warranty: 90 Day Storm Sentinel
Hand powered cell phone charger works with most cellphones
The cell phone charger provides approximately 6 minutes of talk time and 30 minutes on standby for two minutes of cranking
Aluminum case that is portable, weather resistant, and fits all of the emergency tools
Hand powered AM/FM/Shortwave radio, also runs on 2 AA batteries
Listen to amateur radio with the shortwave tuner.
One minute of powering the radio can provide up to 30 minutes of playing time
Hand powered and quick charging LED flash light. The battery is designed to be recharged up to 600,000 times, and the life of the LED light lasts up to 15,000 hours
Sturdy aluminum case can be used to fend off zombies
Second Place in Derby #30 (Leap Year), with 376 votes!
gateway? Early target for the Cavity Creeps? A very large calendar?
Actually, that last one is probably right. But you know churches, they
do love their subcontracting, and they always go with the lowest
bidder. Really, what's so bad about it? It's only one day every four
years, and you can keep it in the shed for the other one thousand four
hundred and fifty nine. Hey, maybe that's why the shed was invented!
Think this will get us a job at Cambridge?
This shirt was designed by: the famous TGentry, who tests all his clothing on nuns. So you can be sure that they are dolphin-safe!
Wear this shirt:
the moment you figure out that you've got an Alien growing inside you.
Because that way when it bursts out of your middle it will be all
confused for a few seconds and think it is in England. Remember, even
small victories are victories.
We know your heart was in the right place, Douglas, but we've got to let you know: those last few Viking parties of yours have been a little on the foobish side. It isn't just the visible seams on the chintzy plastic helmets, or the bath mats repurposed as loin cloths. It's the booze. Face it, no matter how bejeweled the wrought-iron chalice you pour it into, cheap sangria is cheap sangria.
But take heart, for hope joins the battle! This highly-rated, award-winning Chaucer's Mead Trio delivers yesterday's taste today, bringing an earthy authenticity to any pageant, feast, or faire, including the uninspiring likes of your Viking parties. And don't worry - just because it's named after Chaucer doesn't mean it's made in England. This be Calyfornyae wyne, goode sirre.
And now, Douglas, your bottles three! You'll get two bottles of Chaucer's Mead, a distinctively rich dessert-style wine blended from three different types of honey: floral-smelling orange blossom honey, spicy toyon honey (toyon's a member of the sage family), and dark, amber-hued alfalfa. It would've been easier for Chaucer's Cellars to add artificial flavorings, colorings, or concentrates. But they didn't need gimmicks like that in the original Chaucer's day. If pure fermented honey was good enough to lighten the way on the pilgrimage to Canterbury, it's good enough for us.
You will find a titch of trickery about the odd mead out here - Chaucer's Raspberry Mead - but only of the mildest sort. This fruity variation on a honeyed theme is made by adding a splash of Chaucer's Raspberry Wine (15%) to the aforementioned Chaucer's Mead (85%). Don't get your breeches in a bunch, traditionalists. People've been mixing up mead and fruity wine for so long, there's even a name for it: Melomel. Less sweet than regular mead and less regular than sweet mead, Chaucer's Raspberry Mead will make you holler "Forsooth!"
So raise high the goblet, Douglas, for tonight we drink mead! Yep, that's what we'll say a few weeks from now, after our Chaucer's Mead Trio arrives.