(1) Remington Microflex 400 R-450 Cordless Shaving System
Description: (click show to see it)
El Jefe: First, I want to say muchas gracias to
everybody who put together this retirement party: my brother, of
course, but also the tireless cadres of the Party, and of course, the
workers and peasants of this little island nation, who have shown time
and again that they bring the strongest, most resolute fortitude to the
struggle against the imperialists. Let us recall the outrage of Playa
Gir�n, where the cat's paw of Yanqui domination -
Little Brother: Eh, hermano?
I know you like to talk, but the ice cream is melting in the heat. I'm
not going back to Coppelia to stand in line for an hour again. Perhaps
we should open the presents now, yes?
El Jefe: Look
at my little brother! Merely an acting president, for now, but already
giving me orders! OK, let's open the presents. I don't know how much
time I have left. Hmmm - I wonder what's in here...who's this one from?
The Foreign Minister: Me, el Jefe. Just a little something I picked up abroad.
El Jefe: Well, I hope the man who sold it to you wasn't working for the CIA! Now, let's see....how do you - this tape, it's - anybody got a knife? Or a key or something?
The Foreign Minister: Allow me, el Jefe.
El Jefe: There we go, there we go. What do we have here? A Remington R-450 Cordless Shaver?
The Foreign Minister: Indeed, el Jefe.
I thought a man in your position would appreciate the gentle
ministrations of its three floating heads. The titanium-coated twin
blades stand firm in their rejection of whiskers, and this have 50%
more cutting slots than the usual razor, so it'll cut faster with less
irritation. Also, it's rechargeable, which could come in handy given
the, er, occasional interruptions of electrical service carried out by
El Jefe: Hm.
Little Brother: Wasn't that nice, hermano? The finest shaver the Yanquis offer, at this price range, anyway.
El Jefe: Hm.
The Foreign Minister: I, uh, hope you like it?
El Jefe: Let me ask you something. What I said about the CIA before - was I correct?
The Foreign Minister: I don't understand.
El Jefe: Did the CIA pass this shaver to you to give to me?
The Foreign Minister: Of course not, el -
El Jefe: Because the only people I know who have been trying to get rid of my beard are the CIA!
As both source and symbol of my masculine power, this beard has been
the target of countless covert dirty tricks for the last 50 years, as
you well know. Now here you come, in our vulnerable moment of
transition, with a fancy cordless razor, to tempt me into freely giving
up that which the imperialist agents have never been able to take away?
Scandalous! You can send your CIA paymasters your report from prison!
Little Brother: You pig! You swine! You Judas of a whore!
The Foreign Minister: No, no, el Jefe, I assure you, please! �Perdoname!
I'm entirely loyal to the Revolution! I just thought you might enjoy
the Remington R-450's close, comfortable shave, but only for the
occasional trim! Please, don't imprison me! Please, I couldn't -
El Jefe: Ah, I'm just messing with you.
Little Brother: You should've seen your face!
The Foreign Minister: Heh. Very, uh, very funny, el Jefe.
Seriously, thanks for the Remington. It will be nice to have a decent
electric razor instead of those ancient Czechoslovakian ones we have
around here. Now who's ready for ice cream?
The Foreign Minister: I am, el Jefe.
Warranty: 2 Year Remington
Titanium coated twin blade technology
3 independently floating heads
Locking pop-up trimmer
Corded and cord free use
30 minute cordless run time
Removable head and cutter assembly
In the box:
Remington R-450 Shaver
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The eejit box comes under scathing fire in this fistful of t-shirt
fury. We're assuming it means "revolutionize" in a larger sense than,
say, the British version of The Office revolutionized the
sitcom. True story: one of us was once in a punk rock band that wrote
and recorded a song with the same title as this shirt, way back in 1995.
We know your heart was in the right place, Douglas, but we've got to let you know: those last few Viking parties of yours have been a little on the foobish side. It isn't just the visible seams on the chintzy plastic helmets, or the bath mats repurposed as loin cloths. It's the booze. Face it, no matter how bejeweled the wrought-iron chalice you pour it into, cheap sangria is cheap sangria.
But take heart, for hope joins the battle! This highly-rated, award-winning Chaucer's Mead Trio delivers yesterday's taste today, bringing an earthy authenticity to any pageant, feast, or faire, including the uninspiring likes of your Viking parties. And don't worry - just because it's named after Chaucer doesn't mean it's made in England. This be Calyfornyae wyne, goode sirre.
And now, Douglas, your bottles three! You'll get two bottles of Chaucer's Mead, a distinctively rich dessert-style wine blended from three different types of honey: floral-smelling orange blossom honey, spicy toyon honey (toyon's a member of the sage family), and dark, amber-hued alfalfa. It would've been easier for Chaucer's Cellars to add artificial flavorings, colorings, or concentrates. But they didn't need gimmicks like that in the original Chaucer's day. If pure fermented honey was good enough to lighten the way on the pilgrimage to Canterbury, it's good enough for us.
You will find a titch of trickery about the odd mead out here - Chaucer's Raspberry Mead - but only of the mildest sort. This fruity variation on a honeyed theme is made by adding a splash of Chaucer's Raspberry Wine (15%) to the aforementioned Chaucer's Mead (85%). Don't get your breeches in a bunch, traditionalists. People've been mixing up mead and fruity wine for so long, there's even a name for it: Melomel. Less sweet than regular mead and less regular than sweet mead, Chaucer's Raspberry Mead will make you holler "Forsooth!"
So raise high the goblet, Douglas, for tonight we drink mead! Yep, that's what we'll say a few weeks from now, after our Chaucer's Mead Trio arrives.