Hey, music fan: what's your dream gig? If you could put together one night of your musical acts playing live, at any point in their careers, which ones would you choose? We put the question to some important rock critics (well, as important as rock critics ever get). Here are their replies:
Dave Swamp, Tumbling Rock magazine: Bob Dylan, the Beatles, and Bruce Springsteen. The answer to any question about rock music is always Bob Dylan, the Beatles, and Bruce Springsteen.
Vilus Infector, Corpse-Devourer's Digest: Headlining would be Necropsis circa 1987, when they still had Hunz the Defiler on vocals. The opening bands would be Necropsis UK, Psychonecropsis, and Flowr Trybe, Hunz the Defiler's techno-rave project. You remember, they had that song on that Pottery Barn commercial.
Bront LeCroissant, Haybaler Media: Your reductionist and faux-naive question is an obvious stalking horse for the CD-industrial complex and their publicity stooges, standing in their Atari jackets in rank Williasmburg array, poised to deliver a cut-out-bin stab to the larynx of music qua music, a steel-toed boot stamping on a human face forever in the service of pseudo-underground bubble-disco fascism nee rockism - wait, what was the question?
Matt Blandon, meaning to start a blog sometime: Why would I want to go out to some crowded, loud, smelly club when I can stay home with my Philips 1GB MP3 Player? It's compact, holds a few hundred songs, and plays the songs I want to hear when I want to hear them. The USB 2.0 connection makes it easy to load, and I can use it as a portable drive for other types of files, too. And I never have to deal with a single bouncer, or go to work with an X on my hand the next day.
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(1) Orange Woot Tee
Description: (click show to see it)
Can you BELIEVE he had the nerve to show up here with HER? And then they were like totally all OVER each other during the couples' skate! PUKE! I don't know what he sees in that SKANK! He looks like such a FOX with his shirt open I just want to tear her EYES out! And that stupid loser with the sunglasses keeps trying to TALK to me and I'm just like "uhh, no thank you, I really don't think so, by the way here's a comb" and I look over God his hair looks so perfect I can't believe he came here with that SKANK! I'm totally gonna VOMIT and DIE! Come on, let's get some curly fries.
Host: OK, we're
back with our bachelorette, Jordynne. Now, she gets to ask our
bachelors one more question before she has to make her final choice.
Ready, Jordynne? Fire away!
Jordynne: Bachelors, what beverage do you reach for after a hard day on the job?
Well, Jordynne, repossessing cars takes a lot out of you, even for a
former all-county weightlifter like myself. It's not easy always having
to be the tough guy, know'm'sayin'? So when I knock off, I like to
elevate my tastes with a Seghesio 2004 Old Vine Zinfandel. The rich
aromas of dark fruit are like a shot to the choppers with a pair of
brass knucks, backed up by the muscle of some seriously burly fruit.
The acidity is enticing, the tannins are supple, and the mouthfeel?
Forget about it. Just the thing for taking the sting off after you had
to play rough because some deadbeat got mouthy. Also, I'm the kind of
guy eats a lot of beef, so the Seghesio 2004 Old Vine Zinfandel gets a
lot of play at my place. I mean, why not, right? Past vintages of the
Seghesio Old Vine Zin were good enough to place in the Wine Spectator
Top 100, and Decanter magazine awarded the '04 a gold medal and
the International Zinfandel Trophy. It was the only American wine that
took home any silverware from that little tussle - not too shabby, you
ask me. My buddy Ted Seghesio did good, real good.
I have a lot of time to think on my job, since I only have to raise the
drawbridge twice a day. And it gets hot and cramped up in the nest,
believe me. Bedtime's even worse - have you ever tried to sleep on an
air mattress under the control desk in a drawbridge operator's booth? I
thought not. At least I'm not paying rent. Anyway, I've found that
Seghesio 2004 Rockpile Zinfandel helps pass those long, lonely hours
away from any human contact. This is the kind of classic Northern
Sonoma Zin that's kept the family in business since Edoardo Seghesio
founded the winery in 1895. I mean, you can practically taste
Seghesio's renowned, meticulous hand farming and cutting-edge viticultural
techniques. I guess you could all this Rockpile Zin my best friend -
not too many others are willing to stay up here in the nest for days at
Bachelor #3: Um, like, I don't really have, like, what you might call a (finger-quotes) "job", you know? I just totally, like, make a little money, like, what they call, like (finger-quotes)
"gold farming", but it's not, like, actual farming, you know? It means,
like, playing video games online, like, all day and levelling my
characters up to where they're like, totally bad-ass and have, like,
all these bitchin' items? And then this, like, Korean dude totally buys
the characters and, like, re-sells them to, like, other Korean dudes?
So I can, like, drink wine, like, all day? It's like I don't ever,
like, (finger-quotes) "get off work", but I'm also, like, always (finger-quotes)
"off work", you know? So I totally slug off, like, a bottle or two of
Seghesio 2006 Pinot Grigio while I play? It kinda smells like, like,
apple crumble? With, like, some citrus and quince and, like, flowers, I
guess? I guess you'd say it's, like, (finger-quotes) "broad" and (finger-quotes) "complex", you know? So, like, that's, like, totally, like, what I would drink if I had, like, a real (finger-quotes) "job", too, you know?
Fantastic, fantastic! Well, Jordynne, you told us at the top of the
show that you were looking for someone sensitive, intelligent, and
social, with a good career and a wide range of interests. You've had a
chance to quiz all of our bachelors, and you've heard their answers.
Which one will you choose?
Jordynne: Wick, I
think...I think...I think I have to choose all three of them! On the
surface they seem like total idiots, but they have such great taste in
Bachelors #1, #2, and #3: Thanks, Seghesio!
Seghesio 2004 Old Vine Zinfandel
Vineyard Locations: Old head-pruned vineyards in Alexander and Dry Creek Valleys.
Hand-Harvested: August 25 - September 10, 2004
Average Brix at Harvest: 26.5�
Regime: 100% punch-down fermentation in open-top fermenters; total
maceration (juice on skins) time ten days. The wine completed
fermentation in barrel. * Barrel Regime: Barrel-aged 16 months in 75%
French oak and 25% American oak
Food Affinities: Beef, pasta with red sauce, barbecue, spicy cuisine
Release Date: September 2006
Seghesio 2004 Rockpile Zinfandel
Vineyard Location: Dry Creek Valley atop Rockpile Ridge
Hand-Harvested: September 7, 2004
Average Brix at Harvest: 26.0�
Fermentation Regime: 100% in 6-ton open top stainless steel fermenters with punch-down maceration by hand
Barrel Regime: Barrel-aged 15 months in 50% French oak and 50%; 30% of the French barrels were new.
Total Production: 475 cases
Release Date: July 8, 2006
Seghesio 2006 Pinot Grigio
Vineyard Location: Estate vineyard: Keyhole Ranch in Russian River Valley
Hand-Harvested: September 13-October 2, 2006; in the early morning
Average Brix at Harvest: 23.4�
Fermentation Regime: 100% Stainless fermentation, left sur lees in tank until bottling to add depth and complexity
Food Affinities: Asian cuisine, shellfish, rich white meats, Gruyere-style cheeses.