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Hey all you fat, pathetic sacks of apathy and sloth! Do you have the energy and vitality that you wish you had? Are you happy with your physiques? Well, of course you aren't! I mean, look at you. You're disgusting. How in the world do you get your socks on?

No, it doesn't matter. I was just wondering out loud. The point is: My name's Amy and I'm here to help you unlock the secret to a new, fit, fabulous body!

Now, I know what you're probably thinking inside that massive, neckless head of yours: You're thinking that I'm going to give you a complicated set of rules for what you can eat, and the difficult exercises you'll have to do, and you'll be so overwhelmed that you'll have no hope of ever following through with my program, and you'll fail, and you'll collapse in a blubbering, blubbery heap on your poor, overburdened sofa with a bucket of Ben & Jerry's, and curse the day you ever met me. WRONG!

My patent-pending weight-loss technique is simple. It's just two easy steps.

First: You travel backward in time. The beauty of this part is that you don't have to do it right away--you can get to it whenever it's convenient for you. Next: You prevent the discovery (or invention, however you want to put it) of cheese.

That second part's going to be a little harder, I admit. But at least you'll have the advantage of being received as a god by the ancients, probably. What are the chances a bunch of Sumerian goatherds ever even imagined a man could achieve your girth? Or the ancient Picts, or the early Harappans, or whoever it was that came up with cheese? I don't know where cheese originated. What do I look like, an anthropologist? DO THESE LOOK LIKE ANTHROPOLOGIST ABS TO YOU? NUH-UNH.

So you'll maybe have to do some hunting around to find the dawn of the Cheese Age. But once you do, and you prevent it from ever being developed, and you return to your own time, just think how easy it's going to be to avoid temptation! Imagine! No, I mean right now, imagine. Close your eyes and picture it. Are they closed? I can't tell, the way they're kind of squinty all the time from your face-fat anyway.

Think of it! There'll be no more macaroni and cheese--just macaroni! Which is actually pretty good for you. And you won't even know what you're missing. No one will. It never existed.

What's that? Far-fetched, you say? Implausible, you say? Riddled with paradoxes, you say?

OK, fine, be that way. You can trim down and tone up the old-fashioned way, with diet and exercise. It works, no doubt about it. It's proven. But I'm warning you: That way involves pull-ups.

Warranty: 1 Year Perfect Push Up

Features:

• Adjustable swing arms provides 3 exercise positions for Standing Rows, Australian Pullups, and Rotational Pullups
• Rotating handles move with the natural rotation of your arms to engage more muscles in the arms, shoulders and back, while minimizing joint strain
• Fits door frames 27" to 36" wide (door is still usable when installed)
• US Navy SEAL inspired workouts (PDFs <a href="http://www.perfectonline.com/images/PULLup_Getting_Started_Poster.pdf">Getting Started</a> and <a href="http://www.perfectonline.com/images/Pullup_Power10_Part_01.pdf">Pullup Power Part 1</a>)
• Quick release swing arms provide 3 exercise positions
• Swing Arm and bar detach in seconds to clear doorway
• Unique rotating handles move with your arms 360 degrees
• Simple, easy to follow installation
• Also works as a traditional pullup bar
• Max user weight: 300lbs

Additional Photos:

• <a href="javascript:lightboxImage('http://sale.images.woot.com/HG20559A_specs1.jpg');">Perfect Pullup</a>
• <a href="javascript:lightboxImage('http://sale.images.woot.com/HG20559A_specs3.jpg');">Rotating handle</a>
  

In the box:

• 1 Adjustable Pullup Bar
• 2 Swing Arms
• 2 Unique Rotating Handles
• 21 Day Work Out Chart

Hmm. Of course you are aware that, as your insurance representative, it's my job to be sure that you get the very best treatment your plan allows for. So let us take a look and see... the basic plan? Well, all right. We'll see what we've got to work with.

Okay, first of all, it seems that you were first sad at... thirteen? Likely it happened before then, but we don't need to debate that part. All we can prove is that, here in your diary, you put "today I am so sad" in glitter pen. So that makes this a pre-existing condition, which means we aren't liable for coverage. You'll have to pay for the ROFLs and LMAOs out of your own pocket. So sorry, but my hands are tied.

As to the matter of the general malaise, I think that does seem to be a recent thing, but we're going to have to insist you go with a generic. I'm going to hold up this picture of a kitten using bad grammar and let you stare at it for thirty seconds. Oh, and we're not going to be able to pay for that tickle therapy either, as that comes under alternative medicine. If you ask me, it doesn't really make you laugh at all, it's just the placebo effect. Are you ready? Okay, here comes the kitten. Starting... now.

Wear this shirt: when you're feeling funny.

Don't wear this shirt: if you, like us, are aware that THE WORD HEE HAS TWO LETTER E'S IN IT AND SO "HEHE" IS OFFENSIVE AND TROUBLING AND DEMEANS US ALL. You are from England, David, you should know these things. Shame on you. Shame. On. You.

This shirt tells the world: "I developed a tolerance so they had to switch my prescription to OMG, WTF, and a horse tranquilizer."

We call this color: Medicinal Grass

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
3X - S: 9" x 9.3"
WXL - K4: 6.75" x 6.97"

Pantone Color(s): 7520C - 703C - 575C - 7505C - 7518C - 439C

Please check our <a class="modalPopUp sizingchart" href="http://www.woot.com/SizingChart.htm" title="http://www.woot.com/SizingChart.htm">sizing chart</a> before you order. The Woot Tee follows a classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

"Why do all the dollar bills have to be facing the same way?" the rabble ask. "Why are all the forks lined up alphabetically by handle design?" Maybe it does seem a little crazy to some, but it's well known that if the p<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind_your_Ps_and_Qs">'</a>s and the q<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind_your_Ps_and_Qs">'</a>s are properly minded, the rest will take care of itself.

Of course, in winemaking, it's the same way. This is why today's two pack of Ty Caton TyTanium reds have been developed with slow, steady guidance. Everything has been put in the right place, aligned correctly, from the expertly considered sun exposures to the different soil types and various altitudes. This meticulous farming process means that the fruit coming from the Caton Vineyards (located in the foothills of the Sonoma Valley) is ideal for showcasing the flavors that this wine will be remembered for.

The 2006 TyTanium is an elegant wine, showcasing aromas of rich vanilla and dark fruit. The velvet texture is rich in deeply concentrated blackberry, plum and currant, as well as a finish of fine tannins with hints of leather. It's a wonderful wine that's won the Gold Medal at both the 2009 Sonoma County Harvest Fair and the San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition, and then the Double Gold at the 2009 Sonoma Valley Wine Competition as well. We expect that when you finish the first bottle, you'll be happy there's another one waiting.

So let the Ty Caton TyTanium Two Pack remind you that, sometimes, attention to detail isn't always pedantic. Sometimes it's just about getting things exactly right.

Caton Vineyard

Located in the foothills of the Sonoma Valley, the Caton vineyard is defined by its sustainable farming and belief that healthier vineyards produce very unique and distinctive wines. The vineyards have multiple sun exposure, soil types and vary in altitude over 300 feet between each other. Our meticulous farming practices showcase the love for our land and our passion for the wines that come from it.

• Appellation: Sonoma Valley
• Fruit Source: Estate Grown Caton Vineyard
• Varietal Blend: 37% Cabernet Sauvignon, 29% Petite Sirah, 29% Syrah, 5% Merlot
• Production: 509 Cases
• Bottle Date: April 2009
• Alcohol: 14.9%

And maybe not even a house. Maybe more like a headquarters. Or a hideout. Yeah, a secret action hideout up in the trees, with a rope ladder and a trap door and some stairs you can pull up in case of enemies. Look at all the awesome hiding places for snipers. This is no place for a bunch of dolls.

So what if there's a hammock and a porch swing? Action figures need rest, too. That's why I call the hammock a "collapsible bivouac" and the porch swing a "sentry perch". It sounds way more actiony that way.

Unfortunately, I set all my action figures on fire. So I had to borrow some of my sister's dolls. But when I play with them, they're not dolls anymore, see? And this Melissa and Doug 4000 Tree House Playset is definitely not a doll house. Who cares if my action figures have pigtails and wear dresses? Haven't you even seen Braveheart?

Warranty: <a href="http://www.woot.com/user/warrantyinfo.htm" target="_blank">90 Day Woot Limited Warranty </a>

Recommended Ages: 3 Years +

<img alt="" src="http://sale.images.woot.com/warning-chokinghazzard.png" />

Features:

• Multi-level treehouse is made of solid wood
• Includes a relaxing hammock, porch swing, roll-up ladder, bucket pulley, playful trap door bridge and pulley-operated stairs
• Faux foliage gives the appearance of a real tree house
• Dimensions: 27" x 35" x 42" (L x W x H)
• Weight: 15.20 lbs

Additional Photos:

• <a href="javascript:lightboxImage('http://sale.images.woot.com/TY10298A_specs1.jpg');">Melissa and Doug Tree House Playset</a>
• <a href="javascript:lightboxImage('http://sale.images.woot.com/TY10298A_specs3.jpg');">Top Platform</a>
• <a href="javascript:lightboxImage('http://sale.images.woot.com/TY10298A_specs4.jpg');">Lower Platforms</a>
• <a href="javascript:lightboxImage('http://sale.images.woot.com/TY10298A_specs5.jpg');">Rope Ladder, Staircase Pulley, Bucket Pulley, Bridge and Tire Swing</a>
• <a href="javascript:lightboxImage('http://sale.images.woot.com/TY10298A_specs2.jpg');">Porch Swing with Dolls</a>

In the box:

• 1 wooden base
• 5 wooden platforms
• 4 base feet
• 8 wooden trunks
• 1 clubhouse roof assembly
• 4 clubhouse pillars
• 1 bridge assembly
• 1 staircase
• 1 porch swing assembly
• 1 rope ladder assembly
• 1 staircase pulley assembly
• 1 bucket pulley assembly
• 1 hammock
• 1 tire swing with string
• 23 screws
• 14 screw caps
• 1 large Allen wrench
• 1 small Allen wrench
• 5 branches of leaves
• 2 dolls (1 boy, 1 girl)