Oy, that computer desk of yours. Look at the state of it. Teetering under the weight of massed papers, magazines, envelopes, and game manuals. Strewn with empty Red Bull cans, crumpled Cheetos bags, and unlabeled, unloved CD-Rs. What is that pizza stone doing there? Didn't you eat pizza off that, like, three months ago? And then there's the state of the desk itself, its sad little oak-grain skin peeling away from the particle board skeleton like some kind of cheap prefab leper, its frame teetering so badly the city is considering condemning it.

But hey, you know as well as we do that cleaning and fixing all that crap up would take work. And if you enjoyed work, you wouldn't be wasting your time reading this right now. Is there any hope? How can the lazy computer enthusiast of today spiff up his (or her, ha ha) workspace? Short of doing anything drastic like working, we mean?

Fortunately, it doesn't take too much effort to plug the Razer Diamondback 3G Gaming Mouse into an open USB port. Not only will you enjoy 1800-dpi sensitivity, 6400 fps response times, seven programmable buttons, and a scroll wheel with more distinct positions than the Kama Sutra. You'll also benefit from its shiny, sleek design, with your choice of red or green accent lights. How can anybody concentrate on the squalor of your computer desk with those lights glowing in their face? So clear a space amid those copies of Wired from 2003 and those FINAL NOTICE utility bills. There's no easier means of sharpening up your workspace than the Razer Diamondback 3G Gaming Mouse.

Except, of course, for a can of gasoline and a match.

Warranty: 1 Year Razer

Features:

• 1800dpi Razer Precision™ 3G infrared sensor
• Seven independently programmable Hyperesponse™ buttons
• On-The-Fly Sensitivity™ adjustment
• Always-On™ mode
• Ultra-large non-slip buttons
• 16-bit ultra-wide data path
• 6400 frames per second (5.8 megapixels per second)
• 60-120 inches per second and 15g of acceleration
• Scroll wheel with 24 individual click positions
• Zero-acoustic Ultraslick™ Teflon feet
• Gold-plated USB connector
• Seven-foot, lightweight, non-tangle cord
• Approximate size: 129mm (length) x 63mm (width) x 38.5mm (height)

System Requirements:

• Windows® 2000 / XP / X64 / MCE 2005 / Vista / Vista64
• PC with built-in USB ports
• At least 35MB of hard disk space (for drivers)

In the box:

• Razer Diamondback 3G Gaming Mouse

2nd place in Derby #49: Independence with 620 votes.

Dude was born bad-ass. Chopping trees down when he could barely walk. Throwing money across rivers like it wasn't no thing. Growing the kind bud all over his plantation. And you wanna talk about body mods? How about a set of teeth carved from hippopotamus ivory and held together with gold springs? There's a reason the Iroquois called him "the Town Destroyer" and "the Devourer of Villages". This guy could hit the laudanum all night and pillage all day. And there's no more extreme sport than revolution.

This shirt was designed by: master campaigner CptJimboHapsburgCho, who sure knows how to win votes. He's not too shabby at the whole design thing, either.

Wear this shirt: when you're windsurfing across the Delaware.

Don't wear this shirt: to the Jefferson Memorial. You do not want to get in the middle of that beef.

This shirt tells the world: "Cleveland isn't the only president who rocks."

We call this color: Anti-Royal Blue.

Design Placement: Centered

Design Size:
- 3X-M: 9.5W X 10 H
- S-WXL: 7.1W X 7.5H 

Pantone Colors: White

Please check American Apparel's sizing chart <a title="http://www.americanapparel.net/sizing/default.asp?chart=mu.shirts" href="http://www.americanapparel.net/sizing/default.asp?chart=mu.shirts" target="_blank">for men</a> or <a title="http://www.americanapparel.net/sizing/default.asp?chart=womens.shirts" href="http://www.americanapparel.net/sizing/default.asp?chart=womens.shirts" target="_blank">for women</a> before you order. The Woot Tee, constructed by American Apparel, follows their classic closer-fitting style. If you prefer a baggier look, order a larger size. If there is not a larger size, consider starting a belly-hanging-out trend.

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a guy to unwind, maybe sit out on the screened-in porch and to quaff the kind of lush, fruit-driven potation to which a wine.woot account entitles him, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to the indulgence. Of course, it shouldn't really be any of mankind's business what a guy enjoys in the privacy of his screened-in porch, but you have to pick your battles.

We hold these truths to be self-evident. First, that anybody trying to balance the demands of being a politician, author, gentleman farmer, university founder and stone cold playa is entitled to a little "me time" once in a while, particularly during the July 4th weekend. Second, that not all wines are created equal, that they are not all endowed by their creators with the qualities that make wine worth drinking, that among these are vibrant berry aromatics, bright berry flavors on the palate, and a rich, seamless texture.

Boy, this one is endowed in a big way, though. And why wouldn't it be? It's made grape-to-bottle by the Corley brothers, who oversee the process from start to finish with unrelenting scrutiny and firm discipline. That kind of authoritarianism usually rubs me the wrong way, true, but in this case the proof is in the hasty pudding, so to speak. It even impressed my boy Lafayette--and I love the guy, but he can be kind of a wine snob.

I, therefore, as just one representative of guys on their screened-in porches everywhere, do, in their name, but by no particular authority, solemnly publish and declare, that this Monticello Presidential Red is tops. It's perfect for enjoying before, during, or after--but not instead of--a meal. (Wine's relatively modest caloric content is no substitute for a balanced diet, after all.) And for the support of this Declaration, which I tried to keep short, but which no one is very likely to read all the way through to the end anyway, I pledge to you my life, my fortune and my sacred honor. Some restrictions apply.

Sincerely,
"Two-Dollar" T.J. "The Monticello Fellow"
Class of '76
Have a cool summer, good luck with the girls, ha ha